The mark of a civil society is the manner in which men respect the rights and needs of women.  Beyond governmental laws and institutions of morality, each man must choose the manner of civility that he understands to be the path of righteousness. Although both genders, individually and collectively, are equally responsible for civilizing society, especially in the modern era, this perspective is intended primarily for examination by men concerned about family, fairness and ethics.  As such, it should also be regarded as a challenge and an invitation for discussion.  For, even though much progress has been made, the echoes of women's suffrage, less than a century in passing, have not yet cleared the forests and valleys in all parts.

The civil gentleman distinguishes himself by pledging to respect each woman as his equal and to honor each woman as if she were the mother of his child.  Due to his biological role as the primary supporter and protector of the family, he highly regards the rights and needs of children, as well, and other persons of either gender who may be less able to defend themselves from violence and abuse.  For, it is the grace of nature, that through the child, the parents are unified.  Both parents are instinctively motivated to cooperate in nurturing, supporting and protecting their children.

The next step above polite chivalry is the respect for women's rights critical to her intellectual and economic wellbeing.  The civil gentleman is sensitive to the fine line between chivalry and chauvinism and recognizes the woman’s right to education, employment and leadership in all major institutions without discrimination.  For, to deny a woman an education on the one hand and to offer her a free lunch on the other, is to add insult to injury.  Affairs of pre-marital, marital and post-marital relations should provide equal consideration to both genders.  Physical or sexual abuse towards any woman, child or family member is not an acceptable behavior for the civil gentleman. 

The civil gentleman acknowledges the history of abuses against women in ancient and recent times promulgated or accepted by a number of leaders, groups, tribes, religious sects, societies and governments.  He accepts responsibility for avoiding such abuses in his own personal affairs as well as promoting the highest level of civility in any group and institution in which he participates.

There cannot be enduring peace in the world unless there is peace at home, peace among brothers and sisters, peace in social affairs and peace in private affairs.  The civil gentleman appreciates his responsibility to promote love, peace, civility and respect at home and in all sectors of society.  Though he proudly stands as a sergeant at arms, he aims to become a captain at enduring peace.

Civil Gentleman‘s Pledges

The mere establishment of laws, creeds or philosophies does not a civilization make, but the stuff of civilization is formed by the conscientious choices made by each man in each encounter at home, at work and every place along his path, each and every day of his life.  These pledges are understood to represent the causes of gender harmony and equality and basic human rights as commonly acknowledged by concerned organizations and leaders of this era. In support of the precepts above, the pledges cover a broad scope of issues, but are not presented as a comprehensive dictum of all ethical concerns between men and women.

None of the pledges is based directly on religious dogma, prophecy, divine inspiration, or moral obligation.  Nor should this statement be taken as dogma, but rather as a vessel of communication between the souls of men. For, no law or command can more powerfully steer a man's behavior than his own volition. By evaluating the natural order of human and animal life, we are inspired to elevate a path that brings harmony to the essential needs of survival and fulfillment at both the physical and spiritual levels of the human experience.  Use this as a guide, not to replace, but to possibly enhance and refine the religious, moral and ethical tenants that are important to your own point of view.

Although some pledges focus on political action, each gentleman should realize that his behavior at home and in intimate relations is most critical to the establishment of a civil society.  For, if a man votes for women’s rights and comes home to abuse his wife and children, his behavior becomes a net deficit to civilization.

Let the pledges serve as guides to sharpen the conscience of every man, and let the civil gentleman act according to his conscience.  With due regard to the principle of gender equality, a gentleman may consider and undertake each pledge item individually in private sincerity regardless of social sanction or approval.  For, the best architect of a good conscience is the man who deliberately examines his own soul with the willful intent of the common good irrespective of the exhortations and demands of others. 

It is not intended that the pledges be advocated by pompous ceremony or required for acceptance to any organization.  However, if so inspired, any men’s organization or fraternity is encouraged to adopt the spirit of selected pledges that may be relevant to its mission.  Leaders and educators may also find ways to build programs and lessons based on the intent of these pledges.

Due to the significance of each pledge, only one pledge item should be undertaken in one day.  An hour of meditation should be focused on the meaning of the item prior to making a commitment.  Thought should be given to possible scenarios where the pledge may be applied and to circumstances where the gentleman may be tempted to violate the pledge.  If he has previously behaved in ways that are contrary to a pledge, he should try to understand and evaluate the impact of his behavior on the parties involved.

The gentleman should keep a private record of the date and time each pledge was made.  Writing each pledge by hand as it is taken will help to visualize the significance of the act.  In so doing, the gentleman is encouraged to personalize each pledge by adding details appropriate to his station in life, marital status and affiliations. 

The prescribed pledges should be regarded as only a template upon which to build the personalized pledges each gentleman decides to take.  He should add new pledges that he deems are necessary to further support the principals of gender equality and universal human rights.  He should pass over any pledge item to which he cannot fully commit.  The valor of one pledge made in earnest is not compromised by his hesitation to commit to another pledge. 

Weekly and Annual Reviews

The path towards a life of good conscience is often one of the most challenging and courageous missions a man can undertake.  For, such an endeavor may constitute the regeneration of his very soul. Deliverance is not an enduring station, but only a turn in an unending maze of temptations and trials visited upon the man of good intentions.  A special time should be devoted each week committed to reading over personalized pledges that the gentleman has made.  He should also think about problems he has faced with family or intimate relations during the week and related guidance provided by the pledges.  On an annual basis, the gentleman should make a spiritual retreat to privately review the pledges he has made and consider the need to re-commit to those items he has found difficult to uphold. 

Fortitude and perseverance are virtues he must call upon to continue on his mission.  During the annual retreat, he should rewrite his personalized pledges and make any modifications to the wording that will help him focus more clearly on sensitive issues with loved ones and problems that need special attention.  He should reconsider any of the pledges that he previously passed over and evaluate the need for any new pledges not herein prescribed as his conscience dictates. 

Redemption and Goodwill

If a man needs redemption, let him redeem himself with the encouragement of like-minded brothers and sisters, if such encouragement be needed.  For, although many will flourish when girded with the spiritual embrace of their brethren, others will prevail on the path of righteousness with their solitary perseverance, self-study and introspection, and the illumination of their inner vision.  If one recognizes that some problems continue to reoccur, he should evaluate the need for professional guidance and support from appropriate organizations, expert counselors or spiritual advisors. 

He who has offended others in the past is one who may himself benefit by cleansing his soul and making reparations and sincere efforts to rectify his behavior according to his conscience. If he himself feels pain deep in his heart caused by others, let him search his soul for ways to understand and forgive.  This is one step he must take by himself at the time and place of his choice:  For, no court, persuasion or punishment can ever force a man to repent or to forgive. 

Only one person will know when the soul has taken a turn of forgiveness or repentance.  For, true repentance is a private moment, a simple pebble on a path that marks the beginning of a new journey.  And each step therefrom is blessed with renewed hope and respect for all good things.  The rising sun and the flowers in the fields are ample witnesses who join in quiet celebration of this new day.

His decision will likewise be rewarded by improved relations with others as well as a more civilized social environment for himself and his family.  For, civilization is likened to a well of goodwill, which we all draw from and replenish and which is cleansed or polluted by our very deeds.  The good waters, the sustenance of our souls, are never purified by punitive measures, revenge, or imposed justice, but only by sincere repentance, self-correction and remediation, and a good dose of forgiveness, as well, among all parties involved.  For, a society rich in justice is likely poor in goodwill. 

A Kinder Way

A man who has himself been the victim of abuse by his partner or other family members, may fortify himself not by resorting to retaliation, but by adhering to the highest level of civility.  By showing his offender a model of kinder behavior, even though he may be stronger and capable of inflicting greater physical harm, he will teach by example and avoid some situations that may trigger more violence.  For, more often than not, where there is domestic violence, there are two offenders and two victims to one degree or another.  He may also encourage his offender to abide by these same principles as appropriate. 

Whereas each person needs to protect himself or herself from harm, the victim(s) must decide which of either justice or goodwill is more important.  For rarely can imposed justice and goodwill co-exist in a close relationship without exceptional generosity and forgiveness.  And justice, unfortunately, often leads to vengeance and escalating violence.  Ultimately, the stronger, more successful, person is the one who advocates his or her interests through negotiation, compromise, leadership and non-aggressive assertiveness and who uses self-discipline to control his or her power for the sake of the common good.  This kinder way of cooperation and negotiation, although requiring greater diligence and self-discipline, will more often prevail both at home and outside the home in business and political undertakings.  It will also provide a standing of goodwill to leverage against conflicts that unexpectedly arise from time to time.

Let us also be mindful that adding a little romance and humor to the mix will often do more to bolster and enliven a relationship than our principles, platitudes and pledges taken by themselves.  The classic example of a hopeless romantic is the mythical character of Don Quixote, by Cervantes, who cherished a common lady of the night, his Dulcinea, whose favor was the quest of his redemption as a noble knight.  This story can teach us that romantic love is not earned, but given out of passion and human need.  It is human passion that also drives us to love our children, who often do much to torment us, and rarely earn their keep until possibly later in their lives, that is unless we count the joy we gain from seeing them laugh and play and learn the lessons of life.  It is also our nature to love many of the simple creatures that we keep as pets, or sometimes the wild animals that we admire from afar.  If love is to be earned, by what virtues or performance do we measure in the balance?  Two people who can laugh, cry and play together will likely have an enduring and enriched relationship.  For, it never hurts to give, unless we are bound by our own expectations.

Through kindness, generosity, cooperation and forgiveness, we may all help to replenish and cleanse the well of goodwill.  This contribution is important especially since all of us have soiled the waters at times by offensive behavior, neglect of duties, broken promises, lack of sensitivity and excessive selfishness.  We all expect that kindness is deserved, but giving such may sometimes be reserved.  A few well-chosen words and a handshake or a hug, may help to heal the wounds over a long-lasting conflict with someone close to you.  By earnestly making and abiding by pledges as suggested below, the civil gentleman will usher his will with renewed discipline and vision to avoid offending others and to uplift the social bonds of civilization.

Respect for Women

1. I pledge to honor the rights and privileges of every woman to be held equal to those of any man in personal affairs, business and any institution in which I have a voice.
2. I pledge to restrain any personal inclinations to brutality or abuse towards any woman or child or to any person who may be less able to defend herself or himself.
3. I pledge to respect the rights and privileges of any woman who may be in a condition of inebriation or limited mental faculties and to refrain from taking advantage whether sexually or otherwise of a woman in this condition.
4. I pledge to moderate my use of alcohol or other intoxicants and to avoid excessive amounts that may lead to violent or sexually aggressive behavior towards women or other persons.
5. I pledge to respect the rights and privileges of any woman who may be partially or fully unclothed, voluntarily or otherwise, and to understand that the display of a woman’s private parts is not necessarily an invitation for sexual engagement.
6. I pledge to respect a woman's right to privacy by refraining from looking at her when she expects privacy, looking beneath her garments in ways that are not expected or invited, and participating in any other unwanted intrusions into her personal affairs.
7. I pledge to respect the rights of any woman who has decided not to accept my offers of romantic or sexual engagement, regardless of whatever gifts, entertainment or sincere compliments I may have given her.  I recognize that my largess does not entitle me to take privileges against her will.
8. I pledge to treat all women with courtesy and respect and to avoid public displays of bullying such as staring, whistling, or shouting at women.
9. I pledge to refrain from unprotected sex in order to reduce the risk of spreading sexual diseases to my partners.
10. I pledge to avoid paternity until such times when I can undertake the full responsibility for caring for and supporting both mother and child in cooperation with the interests of the mother and in consideration of available means.
11. I pledge to not engage in the prostitution of women or children.  If I am concerned about the welfare of a prostitute that I may encounter, instead of engaging in sex, I will contribute money or an item of value to the prostitute as a free gift.
12. I pledge to not engage in the slavery of women or children.  If I encounter a person who is enslaved, I will make every effort within my means to assist in freeing this person from bondage.
13. I pledge to not purchase or view pornographic materials that gratuitously display images of women or children as victims of sexual or physical abuse or to participate in or support a related industry.
14. I pledge to not purchase or play games that demonstrate dehumanizing violence or abuse of women, children or adults or to participate in or support a related industry.

Respect for Children

15. I pledge to perform my role as an example of a civil gentleman, who uses the kinder ways of negotiation, compromise, cooperation, leadership and self-discipline, and to be a model for my children and others in my family and social circles.
16. I pledge to refrain from physical, verbal and emotional abuse and violence towards children whether for the purpose of correcting their behavior or for any other purpose.
17. I pledge to refrain from improper sexual contact with any child below the age of fifteen years, whether or not such contact is invited, and to respect the laws and taboos of the society in which the child lives that are intended to protect children from harm.  This restraint will also apply to older children or persons of limited mental faculties who may not understand the risks of sexual contact or relevant social implications.
18. I pledge to respect a child's right to privacy by refraining from looking at the child when she or he expects privacy, looking beneath the child's garments in ways that are not expected or invited, and participating in any other unwanted intrusions into the child's personal affairs.
19. I pledge to educate children in my family and social circles about their own rights and to inform them of ways to defend themselves against abuse by adults and other children.
20. I pledge to guide children in my family and social circles about the damages caused by sexually abusing other children or adults and the need to refrain from such behavior.
21. I pledge to guide children in my family and social circles about the damages caused by purchasing or viewing pornographic materials that gratuitously display images of women or children as victims of sexual or physical abuse and the need to refrain from such behavior.
22. I pledge to guide children in my family and social circles about the damages caused by purchasing or playing games that demonstrate dehumanizing violence or abuse of women, children or adults and the need to refrain from such behavior.
23. I pledge to guide children in my family and social circles about the damages caused by bullying or assaulting other children or adults and the need to refrain from such behavior.
24. I pledge to guide children in my family and social circles about the damages caused by taking intoxicating substances and the need to refrain from such behavior at least until the age of responsibility.
25. I pledge to guide children in my family and social circles about the damages caused by teasing and emotionally abusing other children or adults and the need to refrain from such behavior.  Words can and do hurt.

Social Participation

26. I pledge to provide financial and emotional support to family and close relations that depend on me including quality time and guidance as needed.  I will be especially attentive to promises I have made to family and loved ones as well as expectations based on my role in each relationship.  In times of special crises, I will also make efforts to extend my circle of support to those in need in my neighborhood and in remote areas.
27. I pledge to not participate in or support any group, gang or organization that is committed to violence, abuse or damage to women, children or any innocent persons or their property.  Whether driven by motives that are criminal, antisocial, greedy, political or divine, I will critically examine any organization that uses destructive or violent means to accomplish its purposes.
28. I pledge to refrain from abusive violence when any group in which I am a member initiates or provokes violence with other groups or individuals or among the members themselves.  If violence and destruction become a repetitive means for the organization, despite its purposes, I will make efforts to change the organization, and, if unsuccessful, I will cease to participate in or support the organization.
29. I pledge to advocate for full equality for women in any organization, institution and political group in which I participate and to provide educational references in support of women’s rights.
30. I pledge to support the enactment of laws and constitutional amendments within my resident state and nation, which may be needed to protect the rights of women and to provide full equality across genders.

Civilization begins with me!

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Books about peace and gender equality: www.books4peace.2givenow.org

Sexual and Physical Abuse Information

Victims of sexual or physical abuse can experience trauma in a number of ways, either immediately or subsequently in later years.  Several websites and concerned organizations provide information about the affects of sexual and physical abuse and ways to detect situations of abuse.  Some of these resources also provide guidance on ways to protect against abuse.

Child Sexual Abuse by National Center for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder states that child sexual abuse includes a wide range of sexual behaviors that take place between a child and an older person. These sexual behaviors are intended to erotically arouse the older person, generally without consideration for the reactions or choices of the child and without consideration for the effects of the behavior upon the child. Topics include "Who are the perpetrators of child sexual abuse?", "How does one know if a child has been sexually abused?", "What are some symptoms sexually abused children exhibit?", "What can parents and caretakers do to help keep children safe?", "What should parents and caretakers do if they suspect abuse?" and  "What are the possible long-term effects of child sexual abuse?".

Understanding Child Sexual Abuse, Education, Prevention and Recovery by the American Psychological Association includes topics such as What is Child Sexual Abuse?, Who Are the Victims?, Who Are the Perpetrators?, What Are the Effects? Can Children Recover?, Protecting Children? What To Do, Where To Go for Help.

Domestic Violence and Abuse: Types, Signs, Symptoms, Causes, and Effects by Helpguide includes topics such as What is the definition of domestic abuse between intimate partners?, What are the types of domestic abuse?, What is physical abuse of a spouse or intimate partner?, What is emotional abuse or verbal abuse of a spouse or intimate partner?, What is sexual abuse or sexual exploitation of a spouse or intimate partner?, What is stalking?, What is cyberstalking?, How likely is it that stalking will turn into violence?, What is economic or financial abuse of a spouse or domestic partner?, What is spiritual abuse of a spouse or intimate partner?, How do I know if I am in an abusive relationship? What are the signs and symptoms of an abusive relationship?, What are the causes of domestic abuse or domestic violence?, How does society perpetuate domestic abuse? and related topics.
 

Older Women: Hidden Sexual Abuse Victims by Kathleen Quinn, Bureau Chief of Elder Rights, Illinois Department on Aging, describes incidents of sexual abuse of older women and studies about the age of victims, age and relationship of offenders,  conditions of abuse and related information.

Sexual Abuse of Males: Prevalence, Possible Lasting Effects, and Resources by Jim Hopper, Ph.D. presents information to 1) help those looking for Web resources on the sexual abuse of boys and the lasting effects of childhood sexual abuse in the lives of men, 2) inform men who were sexually abused in childhood and want to know what professional researchers and therapists have learned, but who might not otherwise seek information in scholarly journals and books 3) help people understand how researchers come up with statistics on child sexual abuse, because the popular media foster confusion and most people don't read scholarly journals where researchers publish their work. 

MenWeb: Domestic Violence Facts from the Men's National Health Network reveals that one man is battered every 14 seconds!  Domestic violence is a confusing and disturbing phenomena, but it is not gender specific as many would have us believe. In what has been called a "dance of mutual destructiveness", mainstream research indicates that men and women abuse each other with almost equal frequency. The same study which found that a woman is abused by her spouse every 15 seconds, also found that a man is abused by his spouse every 14 seconds.

Same-Sex Abuse by the Violence in Same-Sex Relationship Information Project, which consists of: Bernie Finnigan, MSW, CSW, Donna MacAulay, MSW, CSW, Nick Mule, MSW, CSW discusses the Nature of Abuse, Common Myths About Abuse in Lesbian Relationships, Common Myths About Abuse in Gay Male Relationships, Abuse in Same-Sex Relationships Versus Abuse in Opposite-Sex Relationships, What To Do If You're Being Abused, What To Do If You're Being Abusive, How Can Friends/Relatives Help, What Lesbian and Gay Male Communities Can Do, How Professionals Can Help and other information including supportive resources.

For more information, Google keywords: abuse sexual physical victims, blog gender equality, ethics morals blog, games violence blog.

Some issues from The Civil Gentleman are discussed on the Discussion on Ethics page.

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About This Publication

The authors and publishers of The Civil Gentleman do not represent any organization in this presentation.  Any comments about this publication should be directed to info[AT]2givenow.org.  New pledges may be added and other changes may be made at the publisher's discretion.  All copyrights are reserved.  This work is published in the interest of civilization and enduring peace in the world.  Additional background information about women's rights, gender equality and world peace may be researched through a collection of books at www.books4peace.2givenow.org.

You can link directly to this page with this URL: www.2givenow.org/civil_gentleman.htm.  Feel free to link to this web page from any other web site and to distribute this link in your correspondence.  Here is a promotional message you are free to use as well:

The Civil Gentleman is a concept and path to improve civility between men and women around the world. It provides a way for each man, from youth to adulthood, to examine his role in civilizing his home and intimate relations.  A code of ethics for the modern man based on the grace of nature.  Learn more about The Civil Gentleman here:  www.2givenow.org/civil_gentleman.htm.

An Adobe Acrobat PDF file of The Civil Gentleman for printing or e-mail is available here: www.2givenow.org/docs/TheCivilGentleman.pdf.

Volunteers may help to support the cause of gender equality by printing copies of this statement and mailing or personally delivering them to individuals who do not have access to the Internet, such as persons of limited resources, the infirmed, the institutionalized and the incarcerated.  Copies should also be distributed to influential leaders, students, educators, and organizations such as those devoted to advocating gender equality and universal human rights.  To present this message in a more attractive format, you may also purchase the pamphlet described below, which also makes a great gift for family or friends. 

Share these pledges and other pledges you enjoy with others in your community as a Pledge Inspiration Partner.

If you would like this inspirational message sent in confidence by e-mail to someone you know, please send his or her name and e-mail address to info[AT]2givenow.org and ask that your identity not be revealed to the addressee.  We will provide this service at no cost to you or the recipient in the interest of goodwill to all.

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